The advice that you don't want to hear, but know you have to.

To Snoop or Not to Snoop…

Well, well, well,  she did it!  SNOOPED in her husband’s work desk drawer and what do you think she found….All the things you can imagine and then some…maybe not a big deal to some, but for her it was a BIG BIG DEAL.  She found her fears realized, her dreams dashed, her fantasies of her husband’s loyalty, trust, honor and integrity foiled.

What she thought she was going to find was a whole lot of nothing  SURPRISE!!!  A yellow piece of paper neatly folded with care, gently placed at the bottom of the drawer, inside a women’s name, address, phone number and of course her email.  She, at first, didn’t understand what she had stumbled onto, she was just starting to read it when…SNATCH!!!! Give that to me! he yelled.

She was in shock, her mind was racing, what was happening???? Why had he just done that?  What is he hiding, why can’t she read it, all these things and more started swarming through her head….and then it came…the realization he was not who she thought he was.  He had secrets from her, he kept things from her, he did things behind her back, but what kind of things?  She would never really know the whole truth.  She would get his version of it, but never be satisfied with what is told; the why he had it, what he did with her or said to her when she wasn’t around, but in time and a little more snooping, she’ll find out I bet….


You know it’s one of those friendships where it’s been going on for about 5 years and you really don’t know why, but it’s continuing to last.  Well anyway, tonight my co-worker friend LP (not her real name) wants to meet up for drinks…which is code for I need your advice, I’m having a problem and need to talk…help!  So there in lies the question…

I did decide to go, not only do I help others  through phone calls and emails, I actually meet up with those who need a real face-to-face in order to hear what is really being suggested to them. 

It’s probably going to be about her job; she has hated it for as long as I’ve known her and she doesn’t fit in well with the others but she’s been there for 19 years and counting. It could be about her deceased husband (going on 3 years) who past suddenly from a heart attack and dropped dead in their kitchen after carrying in the groceries, but  more than likely it is going to be about her current boyfriend and how he isn’t living up to her needs…but you know what it really should be about…

how she is showing up at work smelling like…to drink or not to drink is the question, I hope tonight she takes my advice.

Just don’t answer it….

He’s called at least 15 times, again.  I try not to pickup, I don’t want to hear all the name calling, yelling and what a bad mother I am, but my son wants me to try with his dad, so….That’s when I get the phone call, she’s crying and unable to speak.  She doesn’t understand how after all this time being divorced from him has changed nothing.  She wants the madness to stop, but she doesn’t know how, but I do…just don’t answer it.  You would think it would be that easy, when I try to explain why she needs to take this stance she fights against it, she has all the ready made excuses e.g., He’ll just keep calling if I do that, I reply; he is anyway what difference does it make?  She digs in with her sons is watching and thinks I’m not try with his dad, I reply; explain to him (he’s 15 yrs. old) that I will talk with your dad when his behavior is acceptable.  She insists that if she doesn’t talk with her ex he will take it out on the son during visitation, I reply; what does he do during visitation, abuse him…no no no nothing like that; he will be difficult to deal with she says;  I rebut with who cares he is anyway, why are you so afraid of him after 10 years of divorce?  Why is he still controlling you and your household from a phone?  Just don’t answer it……we’ll see

We’ve been friends for over 25 years and for the past ten years I’ve been advising, lawyering and counseling her through her DIVORCE!!  Her daily emails are sent to me for proofing before she sends them out to her ex, attorney, etc.  for clarity, point of view, and relevance.  She also, calls daily (numerous times if necessary) for my opinion.  This is all going on with my part-time job at the district transportation office, my full time husband, 4 daughters, cat, bird, mouse, house, volunteer jobs.   But I’m there for her, she is struggling to let go of the final straw to free herself from the past.

This is something, unfortunately, I know a little something about…..My 18 year marriage crashed and burned with a “little” internet affair that my ex and his new ex-wife created.  Yes, I’m one of those; married, stay-at-home mom, raising 2 kids, nice house, and oh yeah cheating husband that took all the money from the joint acct. and the kids acct. and changed his address without anyone knowing.  By the time I put all the pieces together it was over.  I found myself, unemployed for 14 years, no money, no husband who paid the bills and 2 kids to fed (he said they would be better off with me, as if he had a choice LOL).

Long story short, I contacted an attorney.  As fate would have it, she was from DC and had just relocated to my area.  On our first visit I walked out with custody of the children, child support, and alimony being presented to the Judge the following Wednesday.  I received 60% of his pay check! and stayed in the house with the kids.   Went back to school from help with the displaced workers program, got my utilities paid by the government and took advantage of every possible assistance program I could find.  I graduated 7 months later with my Certification in Nursing, a new townhouse and my kids adjusting to the changes.

Fast forward, 7 years after DIVORCE, remarried, added 2 more  kids (he had none) big new house, traveling out of the country for the first time with my husband and 4 children, doing the things I always wanted to accomplish.

The advice I gave my girls during the divorce was “Don’t let him steal your happiness.”  “You have the right to be happy just like him.”  I live by that today, I deserve to be happy, in love and admired and so do you.

I dabble in helping others when they become unsure, overwhelmed, burden, confused or frustrated about daily life.  If I can help, let me know, I’ll do some dabbling for you…